I Need Someone to Talk To

    I wrote to you about a year ago needing big advice.  I am the girl who was in boarding school at the time and was involved with the much older girl and didn’t want to be. I dont know if you remember, but thankyou so much for giving me the advice you gave me.  I wasnt able to thank you before im sorry.  I tryed taking your advice but I wasn’t strong enough to break away on my own.  Everytime I tryed it would turn into a bigger mess of complication.  I have realized now through counseling that she manipulated me very badly and used my emotions and abused them.  I eventually was asked to leave the school because of the situation, and my parents picked me up, they found out about everything and I wanted my life to be over.  I was in a bad deppression state for months and didn’t care what happened to me.  I was in so much pain from guilt, I was so ashamed, and I missed my friends.  I was not allowed to talk to any of them because my parents did not trust me at all.
    I was eventually put into counseling by my parents, even though I refused.  Everyone kept telling me I was taken advantage of and that I shouldn’t blame myself, even though I did.  I felt dirty and a horrible person.  When my parents looked at me I just knew what they were thinking, that I was a gross person.  I still feel that way sometimes.  I did charter school, staying at home and doing my school work and graduated a year and a half early.  I havnt talked to this person since last year.  Im not really sure how they feel about me.  As you can tell I feel uncomfortable using the pronoun she. 
I am dealing with my depression better though.  I dont cry almost everyday like I used.  I have started to read the bible and get focused on God but it is hard sometimes.  If you have any advice on anything I told you please tell me.  I need someone to talk to about all of this.  Thankyou Mrs. Naylor for reading my letter and thankyou for taking the time to answer everyone who needs you, because we do.
Phyllis replied:
I do remember you, though I don’t remember every detail.  In answering, however, I should tell you that I have completely different views of homosexual and lesbian activities than either your church or your parents.  To me, it does not matter one bit.  I believe that most people who are homosexual or lesbian are born this way.  I also think that many young people, in growing up, have questions about their own sexuality, and they sometimes engage in kissing and fondling those of the same sex out of curiosity or excitement.  Some people are bi-sexual and can go either way.  I simply do not care.   Your sexual identity is one small part of the person who makes up you.  I do not think  you are sinful or gross, but I do think you’ve had a whole lot of guilt heaped upon  you.  My advice: hold up your head and get on with  your life.  Even if others at college find out about this episode in your life, they will tend to view it as you do.  If you cringe and lower your eyes and treat yourself as trash, they’ll start to view you in the same way.  So you had a bad time of it at your private school.  So you got involved in sexual play with an older girl who manipulated you.  So maybe you enjoyed it, I forget the details.  I simply don’t care what you did then; I care about how you feel about yourself now.  If anyone at college asks, say, “Yeah, I did have a rough time of it for a while, but that’s past and I’m really looking forward to the new semester.” 
Posted on: June 2, 2009


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