Question: I am looking for a way to feel OK about what happened…

Thank you for your advice.
It’s not that I don’t keep busy, or that I don’t concentrate on school. I like to invest in academics and school activities. The main thing I was struggling with was how to deal with this emotionally. I am not looking for perfection in a boyfriend (at least, I hope not – that phrase I put in the email was not serious – what I should’ve said is, she has a boyfriend who respects her and loves her – that is not perfect, but it’s close to what I am looking for). I am looking for a way to feel OK about what happened, and a way to accept it, and a way to prevent that it will ever happen again. I understand there are people out there who are very practical-minded and can follow their common sense very easily. For me, it’s always been a struggle between instincts, emotions, and reason. And because I have this montage of both good and bad memories, just because I have insight, doesn’t mean I’ll always find it easy to follow them. Just like you said – no human being is p! retty or smart all the time. I don’t think there’s a human being out there who hasn’t done something against what they knew was right or true to their being. I am trying to learn from these mistakes and get better at doing what is right.

Another thing is, verbal abuse doesn’t just end because you decide to join the school play. It runs over and over in your head daily even when you try to stop it. I can distract myself as many ways as I can, but it’s not going to change the fact that someone I considered a best friend abused me, and that I let him. It won’t change that some part of me still cares for this monster because I “thought” I knew him. It won’t change anything. I’ve seen a counselor, talked to friends, gotten advice from my sister…but really what I need to do is find some inner peace by talking to myself.

Thanks for listening.

PHYLLIS Replied:
You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, and I think you’re going to get through this OK. You’re right; even when abuse ends, verbal or otherwise, you wonder how it happened, why it happened, how you let it happen, and how you can keep it from happening again. How you can keep from falling for such a guy. But I think you’re asking yourself the right questions. And one of those questions should be, is this an isolated incident or has this happened before? Do I keep choosing the wrong person? Keep talking to yourself; you’ll get there. As for the guy friend, he has a much longer way to go.

Posted on: February 17, 2009


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