A Book? For Straight A’s?

Phyllis replied:

Okay.  I understand your pain, and I know that make-up can help a little–sometimes a lot–with a girl’s looks.  (I also know that it takes real skill to apply it so that it looks natural).  Since my own mother made no rules about what we could or could not wear, when we could have a boyfriend, or when we could wear make-up, I never had your problem.  We just had to figure all these things out ourselves, with an occasional comment from Mom if she felt we overdid it.  But here’s where your reasoning is all wacky:  I get so jealous when I see my friends wearing makeup, having no worries in the world.   Are you serious?  I get a few letters about make-up, but tons of letters about best friends deserting them, about parents divorcing, about their legs or butts not looking as they like them, about weight, about pregnancy, about boyfriends threatening suicide…  All your problems will not disappear if you are allowed to wear all the makeup you like.   That said, you are getting to the age where you should be allowed to make some decisions for yourself.  And though I’m not recommending that you keep secrets from your parents, as you get older you won’t feel the need, nor should you have to, tell them everything little thing you think or feel or do, though it’s wonderful if you have a relationship that allows this.  What I wish is that sometime when your mom is feeling relaxed and in a good mood, you tell her that you want to talk.  That you would like the kind of relationship with her where you could tell her almost everything, but that you are really upset that you are not allowed to wear makeup, and that you’ve been wearing some at school.  That you don’t feel good about this, but feel that she and your dad are being unreasonable about a decision that you should be able to make yourself.  Assure her that wearing makeup is not going to affect your grades (and make sure it doesn’t), but that you feel prettier and more confident when you look nicer, and perhaps she could even help you with makeup to decide what looks the most natural.  I would at least give her the chance to be your buddy in this, if she’s willing.   If I were your parent, which I’m not, I would consider this a small decision that you could make yourself, and I’d choose my battles carefully, and argue about bigger issues than this.  But I’m not your parent.  You have to deal with the ones you have, but I hope this opens the door to a better relationship with them, and a little more freedom for you.