Your Questions Answered

How Can I Stop This?

Question:

I have grown up with your books and want to reiterate how much they meant to me. I have been reading them since I was 14 and now I am in my 20’s. Hard to believe! Anyways, this e-mail really isn’t about the Alice Series (sorry!) As you know a lot of your readers ask life advice and I know you’re not a therapist but I could use some insight on this situation. I have told very few people about it. There are parts of this e-mails I would appreciate if you omit (I will specify them) but the general question is fine to put up especially since I think I may not be the only one in this type of scenario or situation…

General question you can publish: I have a coworker who I was friends with for a couple of years when I was first starting out. We were good friends until I realized how …well, creepy he was being towards me. I suppose I always “knew” in my gut that he was being creepy, but I took every compliment as just a friendly gesture initially, until I received strange messages from him and everything became clearer, especially when I saw the reactions of another person towards his creepiness, and I saw him from another person’s POV. The age difference is striking, as I would estimate he’s around 40 and I am in my early twenties. To make it clear, I have a boyfriend and I do not find this coworker attractive at the least. I would never cross that boundary either way. He is married with kids which REALLY disgusts me, that he took such a personal interest in me and I was naive enough to believe it was nothing but his personality (religious, generous…all stereotypes I desperately clung to). I stopped speaking with him but it’s uncomfortable as he’s always around the office and seems to come more frequently by as if he knows I am there. How do I cope with this? I have coped with it well so far, by listening to my ipod (while still doing work of course) so I don’t hear his distracting convo’s with other people, but I know sooner or later I will run into him and I really don’t wish to interact with him.

Phyllis replied:

I have left out the examples you gave of things you wished you hadn’t done, but they were mistakes that many other young women could have made, nothing at all so terribly wrong, because you didn’t have the experience of dealing with this sort of thing, and because you wanted to be polite. You didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I’ve heard of these situations many times before, and can remember some of my own when I was young. We’re so trained to be polite to those who are older than we are, or are in a position of authority, or of whom we’ve been taught to respect, that we give them too much power by telling them too much about ourselves. And then, when they use it against us, or as an excuse to get personal, we don’t know how to react.

As long as you don’t feel are compromising your safety, and don’t expect that he would actually harm you, I would suggest that you stop your campaign of not talking to him. Practice speaking to him very generally, as you might to any other employee. If he says Good Morning, for example, you say, “Good morning, George. Hi, Cindy, etc.” What he wants from you is a reaction, preferably favorable and flirty, but if he can’t have that, then he will get some kind of thrill just knowing he’s upset you, or embarrassed you, and therefore it means you are thinking about HIM.

Try to speak with him in a tone and a volume that can be heard by other people if he is trying to get personal. “George, that is none of your business, and I don’t care for your personal questions. Please stop it.” If you have to, you can go to your boss, but you may be able to solve this on your own by making sure other people hear what is going on just by the volume of your voice. If he confronts you when you are alone, you need to be absolutely up front with him. Tell him firmly that he is a business associate, and that’s it. Don’t be drawn into a discussion of why your attitude toward him has changed. He surely knows he’s way beyond the usual boundaries. If at any point you feel that you might be in danger, go immediately to your supervisor, if not the police, and explain what’s going on. What it sounds like to me, however, is that he is accustomed to taking advantage of young women and gets his jollies out of trying to find out about your personal life. It’s difficult reacting this way to someone you once confided in, but you don’t have to explain. This man knows exactly what he’s done. The best way to turn him off is not by being either friendly and apologetic or angry, but simply indifferent.

Posted on: January 17, 2012

My Favorite characters

Question:

Hi! I’m am writing to you to tell you how much I love love love the alice books!!! They are the first books I have ever read where I really feel

like the main character is my best friend. I can really relate to the Alice books, and they just mean so much to me!!! I checked out Alice on The Outside

yesterday afternoon at the library and I finished it this morning! I am totally addicted to the Alice books! Please write more!

Now I have a question. What inspires you to write the Alice books? Do you use experiences from your own life to help you write the books?

Who is your favorite character in the alice books, and what is your favorite alice book that you have written? My favorite book so far is Alice on The Outside.

My favorite character (besides Alice of course) is Gwen. I was just introduced to her, but I just think she is so smart and kind. I love Pamela and

Elizabeth to but not in the same way I like Gwen. I think Patrick is really cute also, and lester and Carol are awesome! Oh I just love all of the characters so much, even Janice Sherman!

Phyllis replied:

I had started out just wanting to write about a motherless girl who is looking for a role model, and it became a series. Some of the events happened to me or my friends, but most of them I just made up. I probably like Lester the most of all.