Being Uncool

Question:

I’d like to talk to you about something. I’m fourteen and I’ve just started public school for the first time. I’m older than most all of the kids at my middle school, shy around strangers, and very self-conscious. So far I’ve yet to get up the courage to do many things—even the simple stuff, such as put up my hand in class to answer questions I know the answers to, sign up for things I think sound interesting. And also, I’ve yet to make any real friends… it’s really emotionally painful when you think about it. Going to school everyday where everyone seems to have someone to talk to in class besides you, and someone to walk around with besides you. Being “uncool”. Then there’s also the fact that the girl I thought was going to be one of my good friends just decided to ditch me yesterday to hang out with some other girls, completely ignoring me. It sucks and… yeah, just anyway advice or anything would be super comforting right now. Thanks.

Phyllis replied:

I can understand how you feel; it’s sort of like entering a new world, and everyone else knows the secret language but you. It would probably surprise you, though, to know that some of the other kids in class, who have always gone to public school, still feel like they don’t totally “belong.” I give this advice often, I know, but the best suggestion I can give you is to get up your courage to join a group or a project that you think you would like, and especially anything in which you might do well. It is so, so, SO much easier to make friends when you are with a group that shares your interests and when the attention is focused on doing something together, NOT just on being cool and making friends. Conversation is easier, eye contact is easier, laughing is easier..it’s simply much more natural to become friends when you’re working on something together than when kids are hanging around trying to think of something cool to say. Please do try to get up your courage to join something, even if you’re joining late, and get a counselor’s help to do this, if necessary.

Posted on: November 9, 2009