Do You Have to Have a Boyfriend?

 Question:

first off, i just wanted to say- THANK YOU for writing the alice books. i’ve read a lot of books from many different genres, and i don’t think any other book has such an impact on myself and others readers. i really enjoyed reading intensely alice-it’s the only book i’ve read that’s made me cry.
 
anyways, lately, i’ve been feeling  like crap, sort of the way alice was during the grade 8 prom. so my two friends whom i hang out with both have their significant others. it’s been going on for a couple of months now. it just feels really awkard to be like the fifth wheel, literally. they don’t try to exclude me when we do things , but in a way, they still do. sometimes it seems like the prioritize their boyfriends before friendships to. we’ve lost a friend that way, and i have a feeling it would happen again.
 
by no means am i jealous of them, and i am far from being desperate. although, sometimes i get the impression that you “must” have a boyfriend to fit in, to understand their inside jokes (of course i’m not stupid enough to get sucked into that).  i know if were meant to be, then i will wait until the person for me comes along…so i’ll leave it at that. it just irks me that things unfold the way they are… in your case, what would you do? thanks for reading my rant, i feel a lot better that it’s all come out at once.
 
Phyllis replied:

I understand.  About all I can tell you is that this is good preparation for life, because it happens, and keeps happening, no matter how old you become.  Friends whom you loved in high school correspond for a while and then you never hear from them again.  Couples who had a fantastic time doing things together when they were first married might move away or develop new friendships.  Groups with whom you felt wonderfully involved and accepted fall apart as people move, or die, or go in a different direction.  They say that mental health is the ability to adapt to change, and I found this very difficult recently when a writing critique group I have been a part of for 26 years finally stopped meeting.   It is very natural, when a girl gets a boyfriend, to put him first–yes, even before their best girlfriends.  Girls with boyfriends have things to talk about that they may not want to discuss with single friends, just so they won’t feel left out of the conversation.  To be truthful, I’m not a big believer in “things are meant to be.”  Things do happen in life which no one but an insane person would want to happen to anyone.  But going without a boyfriend for a while is not one of them, and I think that you will quite naturally find a guy you like, then possibly dislike, then another you like better, then another period of singlehood, then a serious relationship, etc. etc.  My standard advice to girls who are feeling left out is to use this time to be your own best friend.  When you’re not included in something, think of things you really enjoy and treat yourself.  Start a project, a hobby, join a club, a choir, a team, a class.  Learn to sew and make a terrific skirt.  Change your hair color.  I’m a big believer in joining things, or starting groups, that are built around your own interests–groups with guys in them, if possible.  It is so much easier to get attracted to someone and make conversation when you are doing something together.  And so often–presto!  Suddenly he’s more than a friend.