He Wasn’t Fully Over His Ex

Question:

Hey phyllis i’m the girl who wrote you last week about my boyfriend possibly going back to his ex girlfriend. we broke up, and i’m really hurt. i went out with him the other night and he acted like he was going to cry the whole night, and when i politely asked him what this was all about, he said that he really wasn’t fully over his ex when he started dating me. it is true that they hadn’t been broken up for very long, but i thought he was fine since he seemed to really like me. he says he does like me, but his ex is also still really important to him. the problem is, he wasn’t like this at all before his ex started calling again. i really wish she would just go away….i mean i admire him for being polite to me about it but it really hurts that she pretty much just stole him back. i guess i can’t blame her because he’s a nice guy, and she wasn’t rude to me in any kind of way, but what she did still really hurts and i miss him already. it really seemed like his relationship with me was more convenient, i go to his school, i see him every day, i’m his age, and she is a year older and goes to a different high school which is halfway across the county. i feel really selfish for holding a grudge against them, but i do. his ex completely ruined my first relationship and now i’m really hurt. thanks for letting me talk to you.

Phyllis replied:

I’m so sorry.  I really don’t think she’s going to “just go away,” and perhaps she feels you sort of “moved in” on her, before they had time to make up their minds about their break-up.  Your sadness is real, but please don’t add drama to it by reminding yourself that it was your first relationship.  A breakup is sad whether it’s the first boyfriend or the fifteenth, but you will get over it.  Remember that you want a guy to be with you because he wants to be, not because he feels obligated to you somehow.  It’s mature of you that you can see the good in both the girl and the guy and not regard them as enemies.  Leave this relationship with class.  Other people are noticing, including the guy you liked so much.