I Don’t Want to Lose Him

Question:

Hi Phyllis. I’ve never actually written you with a problem before, so I hope its ok. Anyway I started going out with this really cool guy a while ago. He’s really smart, nice, mellow, easy to talk to, etc. I’ve liked him for a while but he had a girlfriend when I met him so I didn’t interfere. He and his girlfriend broke up a while ago and that’s when he and I started going out. At first, everything was great. We would go out a lot and have a great time, and he would tell me how glad he was to have found me. But recently, his ex-girlfriend called him and apologized for the way the break-up went, that she didn’t mean what she said to him, she wanted things to work out, etc. This was the first time they’d talked since the break up. She lives in the same county as us, but about 30 minutes or so away so I really didn’t think she would be a problem. He was friendly to her and said that he held no grudges, and I admired him for being polite about it, even though he seemed a little too happy about hearing from her again. But it seems like ever since that phone call, he’s been sort of distant from me. He always has an excuse not to go out, and when we do, he seems to be really withdrawn and down and like he doesn’t want to be there. We went out the night after that call and he looked like he was gonna cry the whole night. The thing that really bothered me was on Sunday afternoon when I asked if he wanted to hang out, and he said he was gonna spend some time with his guy friends so I thought that was fine and went to the mall instead. At the mall I ran into the guy friends that he said he was going out with, and when I asked them where he was they said that he was out with his ex girlfriend, just to sort of “catch up” on things. When I confronted him about this, he said that I was just being paranoid and that since he and that girl dated for about 6 months, it made no sense to be with someone for 6 months and never have any contact with them again. It really bugs me that his ex girlfriend seems to be back in the picture. He tells me not to worry but it’s hard not to since she is way prettier than me, skinnier, more athletic, popular, etc. She was his first girlfriend and first sexual experience and he says he just wants to stay on good terms with her considering she was his first, and it really bugs me. I like him a lot and I don’t wanna loose him, but it doesn’t help and it honestly feels like she’s trying to steal him back, and I think it’s working. I don’t want it to, but I don’t know what to do. Please help me. I’ve never had a boyfriend before this guy and I’d hate for it to end so fast.

Phyllis replied:

I’m so sorry, and I know how much this can hurt. Yes, it’s possible that the ex-girlfriend is winning him back, and it will not help your situation to accuse or fuss or cry. You want him to be with you because he wants to be there, not because he feels obligated. The most helpful thing you can do is to tell him that, in the kindest way you know, even though you’re hurting inside. He may like this girl for other reasons than that she is slim and pretty and athletic. He may like you for reasons all his own. Your best bet now is to help him feel comfortable with you. If I were in your place, which I’m not, I think I would tell him gently that if he would like to take a break from dating you for a while, perhaps that’s what you ought to do. And if he accepts this offer, and eventually decides to go back to his ex-girlfriend, he will at least have generous thoughts about you. He may even remember what it was that caused his original breakup and how much fun he had with you. There will be other boyfriends, I promise, and perhaps some day you will be the one who is breaking up with someone to go back to a previous boyfriend. This is life, and you will survive it. Just end it with class.

Posted on: June 4, 2009