Ignorant When It comes to Being Social

Question:

 
I’ve written to you multiple times before. Most of those times, you gave me the absolute best advice I could have asked for and wouldn’t have found anywhere else. This is the reason why I’ve chosen to seek out your advice yet another time on yet another issue that has recently come into existence in my life. This year has been my first year in the public school system–as well as the first year I’ve ever been so utterly exposed to a social environment–and to make a long story short, I hate it. Well, hate’s a strong word, and I don’t want to be spoiled and whine because the experience hasn’t been everything I’d wanted it to be. But it’s definitely strainful on myself, thanks to some key events and facts: first of which is I’m completely ignorant when it comes to being social, and while everyone else around me is talking in class or getting praise from the teachers, I’m sitting in the back of the room feeling awkward and embarrassed and more self-conscious than I ever have in my life. And then there’s the thing where I used to have a friend who I thought was my best friend–she was new just like me, and we became friends the first day of school and so continued for two more months, but then she was absent for about two weeks, and then as soon as she came back? It wasn’t just that we weren’t friends anymore, but she acted and currently acts like we never were. She completely ignores me~~doesn’t even say hi~~and it’s just deeply painful to me because I feel like she was just decieving me and pretending to be my friend until someone else came along… not once during our friendship did she ever suggest we hang out, and whenever I suggested we go to a school dance together, she always said they were lame or boring or something else, yet just today I heard her making plans to go with her new friend! The whole situation with her frustrates me to the very core to say the least, but add that to the fact that I myself am not exactly socially blooming, routinely feel like an idiot and so act like one (at least in my opinion) by way of not coming across clearly to my teachers, and well… I’ve just been feeling very depressed. A frequent thought I have nowadays is along the lines of “You know, I wouldn’t mind dying”. I’m not so depressed to the point of wanting to die, but at the end of everyday I feel so bad emotionally that I honestly feel that I wouldn’t mind if it decided to happen… I know I sound like an idiot who’s completely self-absorbed and blowing her life up to sound way worse than it actually is, but for me it’s hard not to be so focused on myself, because I am myself and am actually going through this, if that makes sense. You’re probably falling asleep reading this, I’ve written so much, but I’d still like to add one more thing. When people ask for advice on forging friendships, the advice-giver often suggests they just let their personality shine and to “be yourself”. But to be honest, I’m in middle school, Mrs. Naylor, and while I’m supposed to be just finding myself, I’ve actually never felt so lost before in my life. I’d really appreciate it if you wrote back. Thanks.

Phyllis replied:

I’m going to guess that you’ve been home-schooled without much contact with other people your age.  I can understand your feelings, because even students who have grown up going to public schools often feel idiotic and completely out of the loop when they start a new class or a new school.  It’s possible that the girl you thought you were friends with sensed your isolation and wasn’t sure enough of herself and her own abilities to stick the friendship out, wanting instead to hang out with kids who were more self-assured.  I have given this advice often, but it’s the best I can offer and it usually works:  quit trying to “make friends” and concentrate on joining groups that have a purpose other than socializing:  the school newspaper, the drama club, a sports team, an art project, a book club, a science competition–anything at all that throws you in with a group of people who meet regularly, whose purpose is something you can get your hands on and your mind around.  This way you can make friends naturally.   The focus is on something else, and you’ll have plenty of chances, by trial and error, to learn the fine points of being more social.