Imagine Myself Inflicting Pain

Question:

I was hoping to get your input on something that’s been on my mind for some time now. It’s a bit different from the questions that you normally receive, so please bear with me. I’ll try to be concise.

Anyway, a few months ago I got really into a horror movie and a murder mystery book. For some reason, I think that those two things have been playing with my mind. Every once in awhile, I’ll randomly imagine myself being cruel to others or inflicting pain on them. For example, I’ll be sitting next to one of my best friends and laughing and joking with her, when all of a sudden I’ll imagine punching her in the face. I don’t understand why my mind has been playing with me like this. For one thing, I would never hurt anyone physically, and I certainly try not to hurt anyone emotionally. I’m generally a very gentle, passive person. I’m also a religious person, so I’ve been praying to God to help me get these thoughts out of my head.

Is it wrong that I’m thinking these things? Is there any way to get these thoughts out of my head?

Phyllis replied:

I’m not a psychologist, so I’m replying only as an “enlightened grandmother,” but I wouldn’t worry too much about an occasional thought like this and nothing more.  I can remember a few times a thought like that has flashed through my own mind and horrified me.  Here’s my guess: you are normally a gentle, passive person, as you say, and I’ll bet the next thing you think about when you imagine yourself hurting a friend is how she would react, how shocked and perhaps frightened or angry she would be.  A thought like this might possibly arise from self-doubt as to how much  your friends or family love you: Would she still love me if I did this?  What about that?  Or what about this?  Just like small children often test the limits of how much their parents will tolerate bad behavior, your mind may be testing how much a friend would put up with from you before she rejected you completely.  As I said, this is only a guess.  The next time your mind plays around with a thought like that, tell it to get real, and to quit punishing yourself like that.