Losing attraction for a former love

Question:

I’ve been in love with the same guy since we broke up almost 10 months ago. He was my first love and biggest heartbreak, and this year we have become friends again. Yet the spark is still very much there and we seem to flirt much more then we do anything else. This wouldn’t be a problem except I feel like my emotions go with how our relathionship is. We are both in the after school club, Health Occupations, together and when we spend a good time flirting and having fun I am elated. When we don’t talk at all or argue I go home terribly sad. Also, he is not a good influence for me. Some of the worst thigns I have done have been with him. I just can’t get over him. I know I must sound like every other teenage girl with a crush but all I want to do is move on. My question is, do you have any tips on how to move on from someone you have liked for over a year? I feel like my heart is stuck in this pattern of liking him that I can’t get out of.

Phyllis replied:

It’s a toughie, because sometimes it’s easier to work on your head than to work on your heart. If you fell for someone else who both attracted you and was GOOD for you, it would solve the problem, but in the meantime, you need to reinforce your wish to lose your attraction to him, if, in fact you really do. Figure out what it is that you like about him that IS good for you, and look for this in other guys. At the same time, think about the things you didn’t like about him–and there have got to be some–when he was crude, perhaps, or repulsive, or mean-spirited or did something you really couldn’t respect. Focus on those things when you feel you are missing him. And ask yourself, down deep, if part of the attraction is that it enabled you to do things you wouldn’t ordinarily do and blame someone else for it. What are your own goals? Where do you want to be five years from now? Choices you make now will help you get there or make it more difficult.

Posted on: October 29, 2011