Surprised She Acted the Way She Did

Question:

Okay, i know a lot of people must write to you for advice, so i’m sorry to clog your inbox with even more questions, but I would really like to hear your opinion.
I’m a freshman in high school, and i’m always in the play we put on every year. This year i met a lot of people from the upper grades, a well as the younger friends i met before, and we’re all really close. I met one senior (who has a girlfriend) and we like instantly clicked. We talked a lot, and started going off on our own during practice when he wasn’t with his girlfriend just to talk, and we texted every day when we didn;t see each other. At first he seemed like he was really just listening to what i had to say, and he helped me with a lot of problems i had. By the third or fourth day we were talking, though, he started flirting, like a LOT. I thought it was all in my head, but as it kept happening i knew i wasn’t imagining it, even though it was running through my mind that he was three years older, and he couldn’t possibly be interested in me. Our other friends noticed it too, and they kinda questioned whether he was cheating on his girlfriend with me. I wasn’t sure if he actually liked me or he was just seeing whether i would fall for him or not. But by then i liked him a little as more than a friend. I still went with him to “our” corner or staircase or whatever where was always used to talk, but he always sat really close next to me and put his hand over mine, or hugged me for a really long time and said all these really nice things or just stared into my eyes…i didn’t really have a problem with it, except that i thought he was joking, that he was pretending to like me to see what i would do. I was paranoid, i guess, because i didn’t think anyone older, especially someone as amazing as him, could like me. Anyway, after about a week or two of this happening, people noticed we kept sneaking off by ourselves and started rumors that we were making out somewhere. We laughed about it,actually, or at least i did, and it didn’t bother either of us. A few days later, his girlfriend heard about everything we’d supposedly been doing and got really upset. I would have, too, if i were her, but instead of getting angry with him, she started threatening ME. We were pretty friendly before this happened, so i was surprised she reacted the way she did. And i didn;’t do anything, i didn;t even encourage her boyfriend when he was doing all of this to me. Plus, it was nothing major in the least. When we were out of school, they broke up for a few days because supposedly he liked me. She said all this horrible stuff to him, but they got back together. And when we got back to school, he pretty much completely ignored me, and she started coming to practice to make sure we weren’t alone together. I get that she’s possessive, but it really bothers me that we can;t even be friends anymore. I want things to be the way they used to be for us. I miss just talking to him, and i sort of like him. Now i don’t see him by himself at all and we cant even text anymore because his phone broke. My friends think i’m in love with him, and they all think something major happened between us, which nothing did. I keep trying to convince everybody that nothing happened, and we were just friends, but not many people believe me, least of all his girlfriend. A few people said he was always a big flirt when he was away from his girlfriend, but that i was the only one he really got to know and truly liked. I’m so confused, and i miss him a lot. Do you think i should just let go of what’s over and forget about it? I’ve been trying to get over everything, but it’s hard. He made me fall for him, and i trusted him when he said he;d always be there for me if i needed him. He told me he loved me, and i believed it. Now he’s gone from my life and i feel kind of used. i still don’t understand. i wanted to talk to him about it, but his girlfriend’s always hanging on him and she won;t let me say more than a few words to him. I’m sorry to tell you all this, but i really need some advice.

Okay, i know a lot of people must write to you for advice, so i’m sorry to clog your inbox with even more questions, but I would really like to hear your opinion.
I’m a freshman in high school, and i’m always in the play we put on every year. This year i met a lot of people from the upper grades, a well as the younger friends i met before, and we’re all really close. I met one senior (who has a girlfriend) and we like instantly clicked. We talked a lot, and started going off on our own during practice when he wasn’t with his girlfriend just to talk, and we texted every day when we didn;t see each other. At first he seemed like he was really just listening to what i had to say, and he helped me with a lot of problems i had. By the third or fourth day we were talking, though, he started flirting, like a LOT. I thought it was all in my head, but as it kept happening i knew i wasn’t imagining it, even though it was running through my mind that he was three years older, and he couldn’t possibly be interested in me. Our other friends noticed it too, and they kinda questioned whether he was cheating on his girlfriend with me. I wasn’t sure if he actually liked me or he was just seeing whether i would fall for him or not. But by then i liked him a little as more than a friend. I still went with him to “our” corner or staircase or whatever where was always used to talk, but he always sat really close next to me and put his hand over mine, or hugged me for a really long time and said all these really nice things or just stared into my eyes…i didn’t really have a problem with it, except that i thought he was joking, that he was pretending to like me to see what i would do. I was paranoid, i guess, because i didn’t think anyone older, especially someone as amazing as him, could like me. Anyway, after about a week or two of this happening, people noticed we kept sneaking off by ourselves and started rumors that we were making out somewhere. We laughed about it,actually, or at least i did, and it didn’t bother either of us. A few days later, his girlfriend heard about everything we’d supposedly been doing and got really upset. I would have, too, if i were her, but instead of getting angry with him, she started threatening ME. We were pretty friendly before this happened, so i was surprised she reacted the way she did. And i didn;’t do anything, i didn;t even encourage her boyfriend when he was doing all of this to me. Plus, it was nothing major in the least. When we were out of school, they broke up for a few days because supposedly he liked me. She said all this horrible stuff to him, but they got back together. And when we got back to school, he pretty much completely ignored me, and she started coming to practice to make sure we weren’t alone together. I get that she’s possessive, but it really bothers me that we can;t even be friends anymore. I want things to be the way they used to be for us. I miss just talking to him, and i sort of like him. Now i don’t see him by himself at all and we cant even text anymore because his phone broke. My friends think i’m in love with him, and they all think something major happened between us, which nothing did. I keep trying to convince everybody that nothing happened, and we were just friends, but not many people believe me, least of all his girlfriend. A few people said he was always a big flirt when he was away from his girlfriend, but that i was the only one he really got to know and truly liked. I’m so confused, and i miss him a lot. Do you think i should just let go of what’s over and forget about it? I’ve been trying to get over everything, but it’s hard. He made me fall for him, and i trusted him when he said he;d always be there for me if i needed him. He told me he loved me, and i believed it. Now he’s gone from my life and i feel kind of used. i still don’t understand. i wanted to talk to him about it, but his girlfriend’s always hanging on him and she won;t let me say more than a few words to him. I’m sorry to tell you all this, but i really need some advice.

Phyllis replied:

Let me get this straight:  a guy whom you know has a girlfriend starts coming on to you, the two of you sneak off together during play rehearsals, he holds your hand, puts his arms around you, hugs you, tells you he loves you, he’ll always be there for you, and….Surprise!  His girlfriend gets upset.  And you “didn’t do anything, didn’t even encourage the guy?”  You both owe the girlfriend an apology, though she must eventually realize that she can’t force a guy to stay with her by making rules.  It happens that a couple breaks up because one of them falls for someone else, and you can’t help that you were attracted to each other.  But the minute you realized you were doing something that would have made a girlfriend uneasy, you should have been straight with each other: you should have said, “You know, I really like you, but I know you’re going out with X and I’m not a couple-wrecker.”  Then it’s up to him to say, “Hey, I don’t think about you that way, this is all in fun,” and for you then to accept that you’re just a friend and to nix the hugs and secluded little talks.  Or else he’ll say, “Well, X and I haven’t been getting along too well, and we’ve talked of breaking up…”  And then you say, “Well, if that happens, give me a call.”  You’re old enough to put yourself in the place of another girl.  Don’t ever do to someone else what you would find painful if done to you.  And if a guy falls for you and leaves his girlfriend, a clean break, try to keep it as painless for her as possible.  Some day it will be happening to you.