Teenage Love Troubles

Teen Love Problems

Comment:

I know you are quite the woman of wisdom and so I really need your insight. I am currently sixteen and a half years old, I have a boyfriend, whom I’ve been with for about 8 months, but I have been crushing on him since the 5th grade. I became best friends with him about a year and half ago. And at this time, he was crazy about this girl, and she played with his feelings like a baby plays with a rattle. She had three boyfriends (not all at once) and kept them from him, but continued to lead him on. I was friends with her before this, but she lied to me and lost all of my trust. And at one point, something really awful happened and she hurt him too. I was there for him and she didn’t care how much she hurt him. And he knows that I strongly dislike her and that I really don’t trust her. He has talked to her in the past (while we have been dating) and he kept it from me for a while. His reasoning was because he knew how much I didn’t like her and that he thought it would upset me to talk about her. We’ve gotten in a few arguments over this. And the most recent one was the worst. He told me that he thinks of her everyday. That really hurt. He told me that he worded it wrong and that what he meant was that he didn’t like ending on bad terms with her and shutting her out of his life. Well, she doesn’t want to be his friend. She has pushed away all of her friends because all she wants is to be with her boyfriend. She actually quit her job to spend more time with him. He seemed to blame me for them ending on bad terms. I had texted her politely asked her not to talk to him because it upsets him and makes me feel insecure and uncomfortable because I know how much she meant to him and I sometimes feel like I can’t live up to those expectations. I just want him to be over her, even if he says he is, I just don’t know. I want to trust him on that but I feel so fragile. I found out that next semester, he will for sure have a class with her (I was told by one of my friends). And I want to mention something to him but I feel like he’ll get mad at me for bringing it up. What should I do? His says he understands, but I feel like he still just thinks of her and it makes me feel insignificant, which I have told him. Any advice on how to approach him on this sore subject?

Phyllis replied:

I doubt there are many people, male or female, who haven’t at some time suspected that the person they are with might like someone else better.  You’ve analyzed it correctly–that the thought that he is still thinking about her a lot makes you feel insecure and uncomfortable because you’re not sure you can measure up.  Do you really think that if he promised you he’d quit thinking about her, it would stop the thoughts from coming?  You really can’t ask or expect someone to quit liking another person just because you’re uncomfortable–that’s on you to deal with.  But I can tell you for sure that bringing up the subject again and again makes him think about her all the more.  Here are two things for you to think about:  Realize that there are obviously some things he likes about you or he wouldn’t be spending time with you at all.  And second, if you were not so dependent on his affection–if you could devote more time to other activities or people and talk about other things–you would be more attractive to him.  Dating for most teens is a roller-coaster affair, but the more confidence you can have in yourself, the less dependent you will be on this or any other boyfriend.