What is my Problem?

Question:

Hi Mrs. Naylor. I am a huge fan of your books, but right now I really need some advice. I am seriously so depressed, I feel like jumping off a bridge, I’m so depressed, so here’s why: I have been in love with a guy for a strait year and a half. Let’s call him John. (I’m 13 he’s 14).John sometimes hangs out with the group I hang out with, and he’s always nice to me, but never flirts like he does with my pretty friends. So today we were all just talking, and he’s a little nasty, so he was saying how if any girl in this room was naked he would want to have sex with them. Then John looks strait at me and says, “Except with you, no offense.” I seriously wanted to die. Then to make thigns worse, John turns to my friend and says, “I’ll give you a dollar if you sit on my lap.” I guess he always gives little signs he doesn’t like me, but it’s not just that. No guys ever ask me out. Well except the nerdy ones. I mean, how can a guy ever like me if John doesn’t? I swear I’m going to grow up lonely and boyfriendless. I always thought I was kinda pretty, but I guess I’m not. A horny guy doesn’t even want to do me??? What is my problam?? Please help, I am so depressed. Thank you.

Phyllis replied:

Your problem is that you are 13, naturally wondering how you appear to other people–especially guys–and you’ve let a stupid remark by a thoughtless guy represent all the guys you’re ever going to meet in your life. Okay. If some guy said that about me, I would be hurt too. First rule of growing up: accept the fact that not every guy you meet is going to be turned on by you; second rule of growing up: accept that some guys who are turned on by you will be guys that don’t especially appeal; rule number three of growing up: realize that some guys who don’t appeal to you now may look very attractive to you once they are a year or two older, or you get to know them better. All of us–even you–will, at some time in your life, make a thoughtless remark, a joke, a wisp of a thought that you say out loud, and wonder later how you ever could have said it. I remember being 15, sitting and talking with some girlfriends, and one of them was jokingly predicting what each of us would be doing ten years hence, and in what order we would marry. Of one girl she said, “except Chris (not her name); she’ll be teaching school.” I still remember the hurt look on Chris’s face. I saw her years later at a high school reunion–married, of course, with children. Please, please, please cross John off your list. And please don’t be the desperate kind of girl who will “do” the first guy who does want to sleep with you, just to prove to yourself that you are sexy. You said that you always considered yourself “kinda pretty.” Go with that, and don’t let one guy, who has only been out of diapers for a dozen years, affect your self-esteem.

Posted on: September 27, 2009