When Something comes Back into your Life….

Question:

Alice had drifted into my memory over the past year as i travelled Europe. Anyhoo, Then this summer i randomly went to the bookstore and asked if you’d come out with any new books. They said yes and surprisingly they had it in stock. I of course bought it overjoyed that This new book i knew nothing about, i didn’t read the first chapter that you often post on your website. I spent the next two days reading Alice and her adventures with everyone. It was amazing, i went back into this little cocoon where no one knew who i was, i just new alice in my mind and didn’t worry a thing. It sort of got me thinking, can something that’s been out of your life come back into it again and make you look at it differently then you did before? I was about to test my own theory…towards the end of the summer i met up with a guy that had come back into my life in and out after a year of hardly having any contact, we’d been romantically involved, I was very into this boy, however he’s a bit complicated which i knew going into it all the year before, i’d gotten over him in europe pretty successfully, thinking that make it as friends. however this proved false. He bought me a drink, and was way too in-tuned to my every move. Acting like we were dating when we really weren’t. i ended up going against my word and made out with him later, I’m not proud of it, but i was intrigued as to why he made the moves, yes he wanted a lot more then i gave him. he wasn’t pleased either but i wasn’t about to give this kid what he wanted. He’s been in my head a lot recently, hes off in school. I miss him. I hate that i miss him, because i know he’s very likely just going to hurt me, but so far he’s slowly coming around. But i’m sick of getting hurt. I know i’ve somewhat rattled on but having alice come back into my life made me think of that other summer story. I hope fall isn’t over yet where you are. 

Phyllis replied:

Well,  you know there’s an old saying (this one referring to marriage) that it doesn’t matter “whom” you marry nearly as much as it matters “when.”  The same thing can be said of someone coming back as a friend/lover/whatever.  If someone enters your life again at a time you feel strong and capable and occupied and happy, you are probably more likely to make a true assessment  of him, his motivation, his value to you, whether you will become a better person because of him, or maybe not.  If he enters your life when you’re feeling a bit at loose ends, a bit lonely or needing a friend, you’re more likely to assess him on the basis of what would make you feel better at the moment.  Obviously he provided some of the latter.  It’s not necessarily bad, and it’s natural to keep thinking about someone who gave you some sexual pleasure/conversation/attention/etc. just as it’s normal to think about a double hot fudge sundae even though you know it’s not good for you.  Keep your perspective, keep asking yourself how/if this person helps you with whatever your goals are for yourself, if he brings out the best in you, and even whether if–he does all these things–he himself is such high maintenance that this may take away the happiness of the rest.