Your Questions Answered

Thank you so much for everything you’ve done

Question:
Dear Phyllis,
I just wanted to thank you for writing the Alice series. I met Alice when I was in junior high and I’m now nearing my university graduation. I remember all of my tears and laughter from Alice’s first drumming lesson with Patrick, their horrible breakup, the sleepover with Arabian Nights to Alice’s dad finally marrying Sylvia. Though I may go months or even years without reading an Alice book (my library has limited selection), every time I pick one up I feel as if I’m home again. When the series finally reaches its end someday (I wish it wouldn’t), it’ll be like saying goodbye to an old friend.
Thank you so much for everything you’ve done and sharing your Alice universe with us.

PHYLLIS replied:
I don’t know HOW I’m going to feel when the series ends–like my daughter’s left home, I guess–but it’s nice to know you’ll miss her too. I think the very last book in the series will bring things around full circle, however. Right now I’m working on the book due out next year, which I’m going to title ALICE IN CHARGE. You won’t want to miss the Alice book coming this June, with something major happening: INTENSELY ALICE. I imagine that as she gets older, she has more in common with you, and I appreciate so much your taking time from your own busy schedule to write to me.

Question: I am looking for a way to feel OK about what happened…

Question:
Thank you for your advice.
It’s not that I don’t keep busy, or that I don’t concentrate on school. I like to invest in academics and school activities. The main thing I was struggling with was how to deal with this emotionally. I am not looking for perfection in a boyfriend (at least, I hope not – that phrase I put in the email was not serious – what I should’ve said is, she has a boyfriend who respects her and loves her – that is not perfect, but it’s close to what I am looking for). I am looking for a way to feel OK about what happened, and a way to accept it, and a way to prevent that it will ever happen again. I understand there are people out there who are very practical-minded and can follow their common sense very easily. For me, it’s always been a struggle between instincts, emotions, and reason. And because I have this montage of both good and bad memories, just because I have insight, doesn’t mean I’ll always find it easy to follow them. Just like you said – no human being is p! retty or smart all the time. I don’t think there’s a human being out there who hasn’t done something against what they knew was right or true to their being. I am trying to learn from these mistakes and get better at doing what is right.

Another thing is, verbal abuse doesn’t just end because you decide to join the school play. It runs over and over in your head daily even when you try to stop it. I can distract myself as many ways as I can, but it’s not going to change the fact that someone I considered a best friend abused me, and that I let him. It won’t change that some part of me still cares for this monster because I “thought” I knew him. It won’t change anything. I’ve seen a counselor, talked to friends, gotten advice from my sister…but really what I need to do is find some inner peace by talking to myself.

Thanks for listening.

PHYLLIS Replied:
You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, and I think you’re going to get through this OK. You’re right; even when abuse ends, verbal or otherwise, you wonder how it happened, why it happened, how you let it happen, and how you can keep it from happening again. How you can keep from falling for such a guy. But I think you’re asking yourself the right questions. And one of those questions should be, is this an isolated incident or has this happened before? Do I keep choosing the wrong person? Keep talking to yourself; you’ll get there. As for the guy friend, he has a much longer way to go.

Question: I recently broke up with a boyfriend who was emotionally abusive…

Question:
I recently broke up with a boyfriend who was emotionally abusive. Sometimes he would devalue my looks, or publicly humiliate me in front of friends with sarcastic comments, then be possessive and jealous to try to control me and build me up. But I still feel like I need him in some ways and know there are more girls like me who want guys who don’t treat them right. I have physical appearance issues which go back to how he told me he pitied me. I am always trying to convince myself that I am pretty, worthy, smart, and wonderful. And even if people tell me all these things, some part of me still won’t believe it because of that experience.

PHYLLIS Replied:
I’ve shortened your letter, as you requested. You have good insight into relationships, but you almost analyze them to death. Yes, he is not worth your time. Yes, he is abusive. Yes, you deserve more. You see all that, and yet….? I wonder if the real problem here isn’t your search for perfection: Quote: “I am avoiding a friend who has a seemingly perfect boyfriend.” No one is that perfect. “I am always trying to convince myself that I am pretty, worthy, smart and wonderful.” No, you’re not–not completely. I don’t even know you, but I’m sure there are parts of you that are pretty, parts that are not; things about you that are worthy of love, things about you that turn people off; certain things at which you are smart, certain things that escape you; and while at times you may be “wonderful,” there are other times you! are average or below average. That describes me exactly. Welcome to the human race. Go to your newspaper and look at the engagement/marriage section. You will see a handsome couple in one photo; a heavy-set bride and a slim guy in another; a plump guy and a beautiful woman; a plain woman and a hunk; a hot bride and a clueless-looking guy. Look around you in the stores: seemingly mismatched people everywhere. Check out the couples at a party; a quiet guy with an extroverted girlfriend; a tall girl, short guy. Love is mysterious, and it’s hard to define what produces the spark. My suggestion: give yourself a break from love. For the next six months, concentrate totally on a project, a sport, volunteer work, finding a summer job. People are most interesting to others when they are interested in something themselves, and love very often comes when neither partner is looking for it.

Question: I’m terrified of life going on and school ending. What do I do?

Question:
Dear Phyllis (and other readers who probably feel the same way sometimes..): I am feeling so lost I don’t know what to do with myself! I am finishing my senior year in high school in just a few months, and I am so depressed and I don’t know what I want to do with my life! I know this is something most kids worry about when they finish high school… but I live in Israel, where most kids go to the army when they’re 18 so there’s really nothing to think about… you know future and everything… they will still have 2 years at least before they have to start thinking about what they want to do with their lives. But I’ve decided not to go to the army, so I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life! I’m so scared of finishing school and sad about not seeing everybody every day, and what if I lose touch with my friends?? I don’t want that to happen! I’! ve always wanted to go to college in the States (since I’m American), but I still want to spend a year here in Israel before I go, and I don’t know what to do during that year, and I’m scared of losing my friends when I leave.. I can’t stop thinking about this all the time! I’m terrified of life going on and school ending. What do I do?

PHYLLIS Replied:
I wonder what it is that really frightens you, because: 1. You’re afraid of losing your friends but you don’t want to enter the army, where most of them are going; 2. Most of them will have two years to think about the rest of their lives, but you want to know now; 3. You want to go to college in the States but you don’t want to go now; 4. You want to spend a year in Israel but don’t know what to do there. How about this: Give yourself a year to put big decisions on hold. For that year, give yourself over completely to volunteer work of any kind. Figure out what tasks you do best, what you enjoy doing the most, and see if some volunteer organization can use your talent. You have email and a cell phone, right? The postal service? You can stay in touch with friends ! if you really want to, and they will enjoy hearing from someone who is doing something different from their daily routines. You will find out how good you are at accepting mundane assignments; at dealing with people less fortunate than you are; at creatively solving problems, making difficult decisions, and so much more. At the end of that year, you may find you have skills you didn’t know about. You may be able to separate one choice of career from another, and you may feel even closer to some of the friends you don’t see every day. Sometimes, really, we find that the more we concentrate on other people, the more we discover about ourselves.

Question: I have to ask you for some advice…

Question:
Hello, I just want to start off saying that Im a really big fan and I love your books. I know you may get tired of this but I have to ask you for some advice. Im 13 and I am not doing well in school and i am having family issues. I feel so overwelmed. I cant talk to anyone because they laugh at me and make a joke about it! I cant take the stress of school and I cant take a relitive being in the hospital and alot of other things! I never get sleep. Im soo depressed. I dont know what to do! I feel like my parents are ashamed of me, like they want nothing to do with me. I have thoughts about suicide sometimes or I wish I were dead and I really think i would be better off dead. Please help me! I cant take it anymore i just cant! Please.

PHYLLIS Replied:
If you think you are causing your parents grief right now, this is nothing compared to how they would feel if you took your life. I truly wish I could say something that would make all your stress go away, but all I really have are questions: WHY aren’t you sleeping? WHY should your parents be ashamed of you? WHY don’t people take you seriously? I don’t know if you are actually a pretty good student, under a lot of pressure from your parents to do better, or if the pressure is coming from you, thinking you can’t possibly measure up. Worry about a sick relative is definitely stressful, but I’m wondering if it’s affecting you even more than other members of your family, and why that would be? The only thing that is clear to me is that you need to unload some of this worry and stress on someone who will really listen and help you understand the situation better. If you were the parent in this situation wh! ere you live now, and your child came to you with what you have told me, whom would you recommend she/he talk to? Your school counselor? The principal? A favorite teacher? A favorite aunt? A kind neighbor? A minister or rabbi or priest? Who is there in your immediate neighborhood whom you could confide in? Please do yourself a favor, and talk to someone this next week.

Question: do you think because someone suffers from a mental disorder that person should not date?

Question:
i have a question for you. do you think because someone suffers from a mental disorder that person should not date? i think it is unfair to say that they shouldn’t because having support is the fastest way to recovery. im just asking cause when i was at a psyc hospital and one of the staff members told us that we shouldn’t date. i was in there 4 times last year for boarderline personality disorder fyi. but i am fairly recovered now, i dont hurt myself i take my meds im happy again, i have three groups a week and two individual sessions and i feel like i should be able to date but people are telling me no because i was “mentaly unstable” last year. what do you think?

PHYLLIS Replied:
Even if I were a psychiatrist, I would not be able to answer your question without knowing much more about you and your history. Are you getting this opinion from just one staff member or members of your therapy group, or is this coming from your doctor? It’s possible they feel you are too vulnerable still, that someone might take advantage of you, or that you might take advantage of someone else. It sounds to me as though you are improving, and I certainly hope it continues. I also understand your desire to date and be close to someone. Until you get more definite advice from your therapist or doctor, I’d suggest that you concentrate on improving your relationship with friends and group members. Feeling close and sympathetic to other people is good practice for feeling close and loving on a date. Learning to take rejection, criticism, advice, etc. is also good practice for dating, because things don’t always go so well on a date. Sometimes we put so much emphasis on having a boyfriend or girlfriend that when it really does happen, the reality is a lot less than the fantasy. Learn to be a “best friend” to someone first, and then perhaps dating will be the next step.

Question: can you also happen to tell me the name of the next alice book and when it will be out?

Question:
AAAHHHHH!!!, IM SENDING AN E-MAIL TO PHYLLIS REYNOLDS NAYLOR! Oh my god, I love your books!,And I’m DEFINTLY a HUGE fan , so are my two best friends. My favourit books are : Alice on her way;The grooming of Alice;Alice alone, and tons more! I think that you shouldn’t stop writing alice books because, they teach you the meaning of life, that,this is what you will probably go through every day or so. I appreciate you taking your time reading my mail. PS:can you also happen to tell me the name of the next alice book and when it will be out

PHYLLIS Replied:
INTENSELY ALICE will be out in June.

Question: which was your favourite book?

Question:
I REALLY like your Alice books. Well…I’m definitly a fan, so are my best friends. We enjoy every minute of reading your Alice books at the library. It is very indeed hard to think that they’re fiction books. The real story is that when it comes to higher books like: Dangerously Alice, or Alice in the know, I borrow them from my friend. Sometimes she gets annoyed, but I just cant resist reading them.My 2 favourit books would be Patiently Alice and Almost Alice. I like reading each word slowly, and sometimes I immitate what either Lester or Alice say.

One question… Actually MANY questions! Not to bother you or anything, but wich was your favourit book… the favourit one you wrote. And secondly, are we allowed to ask other questions that have nothing to do with Alice books? Questions about life? And thirdly, I want to thank you for writing Alice books. It makes me feel like you understand a true girl’s feelings. Not a lot of peopls are like that…

PHYLLIS Replied:
It’s hard for me to say which of the Alice books is my favorite, because they all run together in my mind. I’m writing about a girl’s whole life, so each book runs into the next. As for questions, this website is for anything you want to say, anything you want to ask. Just remember that I’m not a doctor or a psychologist, just an enlightened grandmother who is glad to listen to whatever is on your mind.

Question: Where are you!! I can’t find the site anywhere…

Question:
PN, Where are you!! I can’t find the site anywhere with the makeover of simonsays.com. Help! I go on the site everyday for advice and now it’s not there! Let me know!

PHYLLIS Replied:
Go to www.alicemckinley.com

Question: I’m starting to question if there is a god so what should i do?

Question:
i got a big problem i was raised a a southerin christian but Ive been thinkin and readin all theses books and now im starting to question if there is a god so what should i do.

PHYLLIS Replied:
Many, many of the world’s most notable Christians have faced the same doubts and questions that you have. Many have been able to make that “leap of faith” that believes in spite of absence of scientific proof, and others continue to think and question all their lives. You can still be a good Christian by wanting to live as Jesus lived, yet trying to make sense of various teachings in the Bible and asking questions. There’s a Bible verse that says, “Thou shalt love thy God with all thy heart and soul and mind and strength.” When you use your mind to the highest degree, you will quite natually wonder about such things as why terrible things sometimes happen to the nicest people, and why innocent children should suffer. Why a loving God would allow this. You can’t help but wonder about other religions that also preach love and acceptance, people of other faiths who have done great wo! rk in the world. Continue to live the very best life you can and don’t feel guilty about the questions you have. When you get to college, you may want to take some courses in world religions and see if this helps clarify your thinking. Remember that many religions teach the same thing, and “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you” is fairly universal. Remember too that there are people who do not believe in God who still give all they have to make the world a better place. You will definitely want to read “Intensely Alice” when it comes out in June.